30 years

remembering mom

a quick hello! i’ve just started this substack and don’t know what i’m doing, but i want to write more and be brave to share a bit more often, with the couple of you that are willing to lovingly read my words. :) this post in particular is from a deeper part of my heart, as today marks 30 years since my mom died. thank you for being here!

also- the little tree pictured is one i made from a sweater of my mom’s that i loved.

•••

dear mom,

since the last time we spoke
or rather, I wrote-
(and shared my grief-wild-words
with the world)
so much has changed, mom


it’s been just a handful of years
but oh, the places i’ve gone
the things i've gotten to do
the ways i’ve traveled and felt gathered
up in the heart of God


a new home
a new church
my new (yet always-been-there) calling
to spiritual direction
and family ministry
–all sanctuaries of sorts


and then there were
only two kids left at home
the twist and ache
of releasing in love
joy of watching them bloom
but sometimes, still
a fierce missing


a circle of hope
walking on the african dirt
with rowan and aunt laurie!
(your sisters and I knew
you would have come too)
the songs of our new malawian friends
ring deep in my heart
a dream i still can’t believe
came true


and of course
more gray hair and
becoming a full-time
glasses wearer


then, a wedding!
how is it possible
that i’m old enough*
to be someone’s
mother-in-law?


*footnotes?
see: gray hair
see also: incredible son-in-law


on a quiet march afternoon
in mulberry, arkansas
a gathering of promises
a gathering of souls
the depth and delight
of this day, oh!
i’ll forever ponder in my heart
(you would have loved
celebrating with us!)


also seen–wild, rare light
rising high over a mountain
eclipsing the bright sky
a quiet envelope
and exhale


and later, returning to
the pacific northwest
where we lived when i was barely one
memories only from
stories i’ve heard


now i see the beauty
that drew you to love this place
i simply cannot get over
the magnificence of these trees!


then surprises both
in sickness & in health
as we both turned 50
me first, then todd
celebrating with treats
flights, hikes, laughter
memories old and new


and like you
i treasure
these travels
times & conversations
with dear ones
new friends & old
creativity always calling


in music
in writing
in gathering
in thinking
in listening
in deep conversations
in prayer
in fearless goofiness
and french silk pie


in new ways to say no
to open myself
up
to a better yes


i sit this morning
with God
remembering you
i sit
in a new rocker
with an old soul
so grateful
you
were (are)
my mom.

•••